As the first day of school or daycare gets closer, you and your child might feel excited, but also a bit nervous. Starting something new can be fun, but it can also be hard, especially if your child feels worried about being away from you. This is called separation anxiety. It happens when kids feel scared or upset about being away from their parents or home. This article will share some easy tips to help make things easier for both you and your child.
What is Separation Anxiety?
Separation anxiety is a common feeling in children. They feel worried or scared when they are away from their parents/caregivers or familiar places. This can happen when they start something new, like school or daycare. Here are some signs of separation anxiety:
- Clinginess: Your child might hold onto you tightly when you drop them off at school or daycare, they may not want to let go, even if it is just for a little while.
- Crying or Tantrums: They may cry a lot, have tantrums, or tremble, or have a red or flushed face when you try to leave them in a new setting.
- Refusing to Go: Your child might say "I don’t want to go" or "I’m scared."
- Feeling Sick: Children may complain of physical symptoms like stomach aches, headaches, or feeling sick. This may be because they feel physical symptoms related to their anxiety or to avoid separation.
- Trouble Sleeping: Worrying about being apart can affect sleep. This can look like trouble falling asleep or waking up frequently during the night.
- Acting Younger: You may notice children going back to behaviors they had outgrown, such as bedwetting or needing a pacifier or wanting you to do things for them that they have already mastered, like helping them dress.
Understanding that separation anxiety is normal can help you stay calm and patient. By recognizing these signs, you can help your child feel better about being apart from you.
Helpful Tips for Parents and Caregivers
Here are some easy ways to help your child feel better about going to school or daycare and to make the change easier for both of you. Making daily routines and talking can help your child feel safe and ready. Remember, getting used to something new takes time, so be patient and give it time.
Talk about what to expect
Tell your child what will happen during the day, like what time you will drop them off and when you will pick them up. Knowing the plan can help them feel safer and more at ease.
Visit the school or daycare
Take your child to visit the school or daycare before the first day if you can. Play on the playground together or meet the teacher. This will help them feel more comfortable. If you can’t make it before the transition, it’s still helpful to visit together when you can to continue to build positive feelings.
Let your child lead and make choices
Help your child feel more in control by giving them choices. Include them in decisions. Examples may include letting them choose their outfit or backpack, packing their backpack or lunch together with you. Have your child choose what they will eat for breakfast the night before. You can also make them feel special by cooking their favorite dish for breakfast or dinner. This can provide a comforting routine, especially on important days.
Let them choose something to bring to school or daycare to help them feel more at ease. This can offer a sense of security and connection throughout the day. Examples might include familiar items (e.g., stuffed animal, doll/action figure, blanket, favorite book), or creating an object together (e.g., small pillow, bracelet). A family photo, note, or sticker may also help older children or those in settings where it’s difficult to bring larger objects from home. Some children may like to pick an item or sticker you both carry (e.g., bracelet, heart drawn on a piece of paper in each of your pockets).
Talk about feelings
You may want to protect your child from big feelings. Many adults want to calm children quickly, thinking they are helping them feel better. It is important not to ignore or minimize what they are feeling. We do want to make them understand that emotions are normal and it is ok to feel different emotions. Let them know you are there to listen and provide encouragement.
- Listen
- Listen to your child and let them know that you are always here to talk to them about what they are feeling.
- "It's okay to feel scared or nervous"
- Let them know it is okay to feel what they are feeling and that most people are scared or nervous sometimes. Answer any questions they may have.
- Connect
- Share a time when you felt the same way and that it turned out okay. This can help them understand their feelings are normal. This can help ease fears and remind them that things will turn out okay for them too.
- Encourage
- Help your child think through how to cope with their worries/big emotions.
- Let them know you will miss them but cannot want to see them when they get home and hear how it goes!
- After school
- When you reconnect, ask them about their day. Find out what they enjoyed and what was hard for them. Let them know it is okay to talk about things that were tough, but also focus on the good parts of the day. This helps them feel comfortable sharing their feelings.
Partner with your child’s teacher or daycare provider
Let your child’s teacher or daycare provider know if your child may struggle with being away from you. This helps build connection between home and school. It can help teachers understand and support your child better. The teacher or caregiver can give extra hugs and comfort if they know your child is feeling anxious. They might also have ideas to help, like giving your child a special job in the morning, such as handing out toys or supplies. Teachers and daycare providers usually have lots of experience helping children through transitions like this. Do not be afraid to set up a time to talk about how to help your child with the separation and ask for updates on how they are doing.
Saying goodbye
- Think about creating a special goodbye routine
- For example, give your child a kiss on the palm of their hand to “hold” all day long. Say a special phrase to each other, do a secret handshake, or sing a special song together before you leave. Goodbye routines can help kids feel better and know what to expect next.
- Some children react better to not making the transition a “big deal.” Extra kisses and “I’ll miss you for 8 hours!” might be reassuring to some children, but others find this more stressful. For these children, a more matter of fact, brief, and casual goodbye routine may be better.
- Be. honest
- Do not make promises you cannot keep, like saying you will come back in a few minutes if you will not. Being honest helps build trust.
- Make sure your child can see you leave
- When you say goodbye, be positive and brief. Let your child see you leave so they know what is happening. Sneaking out of the room can cause more anxiety.
- Resist the rescue
- It can be upsetting to hear your child cry when you leave. As tempting as it might be to come to their rescue, try not to run back in. With such a big change, it is completely normal for your child to feel sad, a bit scared or worried. They may have emotional reactions including crying. Running back in can send the message that they are only okay if you are there. This may prolong their distress and make it harder for them to adjust. Remember teachers and daycare providers have experience helping children and families with this transition, and you can always call the school or daycare later to check-in and see how it is going.
Remember your own self-care
It is normal to feel a mix of emotions when your child starts school or daycare. You may be excited about all the fun you hope they will have and the friends they will make. You might also feel a little sad or worried about them being on their own. You might also have a really hard time and feel distressed or upset after a difficult drop-off/goodbye. You might feel all of these things at the same time! These emotions are all completely normal! Remember to let yourself feel your emotions and remind yourself that these big changes can be very difficult and challenging. Remember that you are not alone. Make sure to talk to someone about how you are feeling and take care of yourself during this big change.
Use children’s books to help guide and support conversations
Children’s books about starting or going back to school or daycare, dealing with worries, or getting used to something new can be a great way to help start and guide conversations with your child. Remember, these are just a few examples, so feel free to find other books that might better connect with your child. All of the books listed below can be purchased on Amazon, or found in a bookstore or Library near you.
- The Day You Begin, by Jacqueline Woodson (Read-Aloud)
- Your child may be experiencing worries and anxieties related to whether kids will like them, whether they will fit in, and feeling different. In this book, children are taught and reminded that we all feel like outsiders sometimes, and how brave it is that we go forth anyway as our beautifully unique, authentic selves–and that sometimes, when we connect with others and begin to show and share who we are, there are people who will be happy to get to know us and meet us halfway.
- The Invisible String, by (Read-Aloud)
- This book focuses on the many situations where we find ourselves apart from the people that we love, reminding us that even when we are apart, we are connected to our loved ones by an invisible string made of love.
- The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn (Read-Aloud)
- When Chester Raccoon is anxious about starting school, his mother lets him in on a family secret – the kissing hand. This book will help to reassure your child that your love will be with them whenever you are apart, and the world feels a little scary.
- Llama Llama Misses Mama, by Anna Dewdny (Read-Aloud)
- This rhyming book will help validate and ease first-day fears and teach children that there is a lot to love about school!
- Bye-Bye Time, by Elizabeth Verdick (Read-Aloud)
- Aimed at toddlers (e.g., going to daycare), this book helps ease the transition with a goodbye routine and helps teach toddlers that goodbye is not forever, it is just for a while.
- Daniel Goes to School, by Becky Friedman (Read-Aloud)
- While Daniel Tiger is excited to go to school, he is not happy that his dad cannot stay at school with him. Daniel learns that grownups come back and has a lot of fun with his teacher and classmates in the meantime!
- Ruby Finds a Worry, by Tom Percival (Read-Aloud)
- While not specific to starting school or daycare, this book can help to normalize and encourage your child to share and talk about their emotions and anxieties they might be experiencing, and how talking about their worries with others can help calm their anxieties.
Going Back to School - Helpful Food Tips
- Eating out of a lunchbox for the first time?
- Practicing eating out of a lunchbox at home.
- Exposure to school
- Providing exposure so they know what to expect so it might feel less scary and even create some positive associations (e.g., having a picnic on the school playground)
- Coming up with meal plans ahead of time.
- Can help reduce stress so that there is less of a rush to decide what to make and pack the morning of
- Picky eaters
- Presenting food in different ways (e.g., cutting cucumbers in different ways, cutting out shapes of fruit with cookie cutters, etc.)
- Multiple exposures provide opportunities to taste and experience the food.
- Modeling a healthy relationship with food and willingness to eat a variety of foods
- Sitting down and having a meal with your child/as a family when you can, eating a variety of foods with them that you would like them to try.
- Communication
- Do not hesitate to reach out to teachers about how it is going with eating food at school.
- Talk with your child about how it is going and what might get in the way of eating food at school.